Reading & Other Learning Disabilities

From Reading & Other Learning Disabilities

A Blog by Dr. Gary G. Brannigan and Dr. Howard Margolis

A Guest Post by

Barbara J. Morvay, MA

Retired Superintendent, Atlantic County (NJ) Special Services School District & Author of My Brother is Different

Since grief is usually associated with death, why do I mention it here?

Because many parents who have a child with disabilities grieve, especially when their child is young.

Many of these parents are unaware that the great sorrow they’re feeling, their sense of loss, is grief, but they grieve, they feel great sorrow, long and hard. There’s nothing wrong with this, nothing suggesting they don’t love their child. In fact, grief is natural. Any major life-changing loss, such as the death of a loved one, a severe trauma, a debilitating illness or loss can cause grief.

Parents of children with disabilities often grieve for the loss of the healthy “normal” child they thought they would have. They grieve for the child of their imagination, of their dreams. They never expected a child with disabilities. The situation is so new, so frightening, and perhaps overwhelming.

Upon hearing that their child has a disability, parents are frequently overwhelmed with grief. Sadly, grief can last for years. Parents may be unaware that what they’re feeling is grief, but they are in the middle of it. And it can affect their other children as well as their marriage.

To overcome grief, parents have to understand the reasons they’re grieving,  the process or stages of grief, and how they can overcome their grief and enjoy their child and life. Here are the reasons, the stages, and if you are grieving,  how you can overcome grief.

The Reasons. Parents grieve

• For what could have been, what should have been.
• For themselves, and their child.
• For lost hopes and dreams.
• For the present and the future.
• Out of love and fear.

The Stages. Grief is a not an event, but a sequence of stages that takes time to work through. The stages are:

• Denial and shock
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Guilt
• Depression
• Loneliness
• Acceptance

Everyone goes through these stages at their own pace. Some parents work through them fairly quickly and develop very positive ways of loving their child and their life. Others get stuck in their grief and let it turn them into negative, bitter people.

How to Overcome Grief. To overcome grief, it’s important to

• Seek and savior moments of joy.
• Let all your children bring you joy, including your child with disabilities.
• Understand that children with disabilities can make progress.
• Find and appreciate satisfaction in small, daily things.
• Repeat positive mantras to yourself.

Positive mantras might include:

• My attitude controls my reality.
• I will not miss joy by carrying around  the burden of grief.
• I will be positive so others can be.
• I will laugh at my foolishness.

If you’d like to learn more about grieving, overcoming it, and helping your children, you might want to read my book, My Brother is Different (www.mybrotherisdifferent.com).

Barbara Morvay began her career as a speech therapist and a teacher of children with disabilities. She later became a supervisor of special education, a principal, a business administrator, and a superintendent. She has taught at two colleges as an adjunct professor and presently serves as a college trustee.

© Barbara J. Morvay

Edited by Howard Margolis, Ed.D.    www.reading2008.com